'We're Hiring!' Exclusive Interview with Hezbollah's Chief Recruitment Officer

[Valin]

The Washington Free Beacon

Terror group's newly promoted executive touts 'bold restructuring plan' and 'exciting opportunities for advancement'

(Snip)

Hello? Is this Sayyid Mustafa? 

No. My name is Jafar Fayad.

I was trying to reach the chief recruitment officer for Hezbollah. Is that you? 

Yes. I was recently promoted.

Oh, congrats. May I ask what happened to Mustafa? We arranged this interview with him, but he stopped returning our pages for some reason. 

He, um, can't come to the phone right now.

Why not?

He's buried.

Buried? Like, in paperwork? 

No. I can assure you at this moment our recruitment process is incredibly streamlined and involves no paperwork.

That's great to hear, but I'd feel more comfortable—

The Jews.

I beg your pardon?

This is why Sayyid Mustafa can't talk with you today, alayhi as-salam.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Very well. I was wondering if you could tell me a little about your organization and the positions you are seeking to fill?

Certainly. As the Associated Press recently explained, Hezbollah is a "potent regional force" comprised of paramilitary entrepreneurs driving positive impact in a dynamic ecosystem while promoting creative collaboration across antiquated divides in the pursuit of life-changing solutions to complex problems. We are based in Lebanon but have satellite offices throughout the Middle East and sleeper cells positioned around the world.

There has never been a better time to apply for a job in the Hezbollah organization, as we are in the midst of a bold restructuring program that has created a number of enticing advancement opportunities for new and existing employees......(Snip)

That sounds awful. Again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. What can you tell me about the Hezbollah headquarters? What's it like to work there? 

Well, our headquarters in Beirut is undergoing significant renovations at the moment, so we are pleased to offer a flexible work-from-home policy for new and existing employees. We'll do our best to sponsor some happy hour events in the near future. We at Hezbollah are laser-focused on maintaining a joyous vibe within the organization. The way we see it, "terrorism" is just another word for hanging out with the guys. One of the things we like to stress is [loud bang, sound of man screaming like a bitch].

 

What the hell was that? Hello? Jafar? 

[hissing, gurgling]